Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Randomize
