i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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