I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
