You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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