Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
