She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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