the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
