So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Randomize
