If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
