dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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