You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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