Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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