he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Damn victory sex feels great
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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