It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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