he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
