the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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