you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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