Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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