Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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