winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
