cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
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getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
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I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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