Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
grandma shit on top of the toilet
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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