dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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