My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
