How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
