my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
