So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
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Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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