I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
