shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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