Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
