there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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