i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
