You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize