Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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