I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
