i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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