vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
