i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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