im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
