i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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