don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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