remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
