There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
