So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
