worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
