Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
