he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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