he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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