I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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