My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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