dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
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the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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