I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
