if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish they made helmets for livers.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
