I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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