This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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