I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
