Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
